Another year has come to an end.
It is once again time to look back upon those long, long days and ask ourselves – So what exactly did we do in 2011?
I fully expect most of you to be absolutely horrified with the flashbacks you just had and reach for that bottle to achieve sweet, sweet oblivion.
While you are busy doing that let us move on, shall we?
Now there will be some of us who will not be drinking or partying on this most hallowed of days. And to them we offer our heartfelt apologies – sucks to be you.
But for some of us this is going to be one wild night.
We are going to send off 2011 in the ‘barely upright, incoherent, fuck-it-all, why? WHY? WHY! sobbing-uncontrollably’ style it undoubtedly deserves.
Of course, for some of us this year was fantastic joy-ride – a time which you will undoubtedly cherish for the rest of your lives. To these people and their smug expressions, I offer, on behalf of us all, a trip to the dungeons.
GAURDS! GAURDS! SEND IN THE GAURDS! AND DON’T FORGET THE CHAINS!
I apologize for that brief loss of control. It will not happen again.
Actually it SO will happen again but, if we have learnt one thing this year, that thing is that sometimes you just gotta say mea culpa – for the look of it and all that jazz.
For those of you who have not learnt that lesson yet – well the night is still young and you are not drunk enough. But you will get there eventually.
But looking back I see that some of us stood with the unknown (and definitely unwashed) masses in ‘Occupy’ movements in different continents.
Some of these noble supporters and members of the 99% then came back to the places where they are elite Lords and Ladies living a life free from want or worry. I presume their placards read – ‘We are the ironic %’
Some of us attended Anna Hazare’s anti-corruption events right here in India and wondered if this man could actually change our country. We can all recall our amazement when lakhs of people flooded to his cause.
There was an important lesson to be learned in that experience – After a totally powerful anti-corruption rant announce your hope to ban alcohol consumption in the country and watch your supporters dwindle to a few hundred jobless Mumbaikars.
After all, we can all live with corruption, can’t we?
On a more serious note, some of us found the conviction to admit our true beliefs.
Some of us found the courage to admit they are wrong and tried to make amends.
Some of us, squealing like baby pigs, even took the first step in the long process of letting go and bettering ourselves.
Some of us even handed over giant cheques for charity while others fed homeless and lost kittens (well A kitten anyway)
These people’s portraits have been proudly hung in the ‘Jackasses’ gallery with appropriate moustaches and devil’s horns painted on. (I believe one of you even got an eye patch.)
Weekly tours were conducted so the public could appreciate their deeds and indulge in unrestrained mockery, laughing and finger-pointing.
As always, it was heartening to see so many of us overcome our crippling social anxieties and totally creepy personalities to make new friends and relationships.
Some of us even got married and for them we shall hold a separate memorial with a two-minute silence later.
(On an amusing side-note many of us found several ‘this-might-be-the-one’ members of the opposite sex. It brings a tear to my eye when I recollect how stunningly they screwed up those opportunities. Good to see the old ways are not completely gone.)
Some of us ended their exiles and came home to the familiar and the comforting.
But many of us find that our time away has only been extended and we brace ourselves for yet another year of unceasing complaint about how much better, cleaner, easier, cheaper everything in our hometown is.
(Now once someone told me that home is where the heart is. I would like you to consider this heart I have here in this jar and judge how seriously I made that person prove his point. But I digress.)
Yes indeed, 2011 was a year of much transition. But we find that the old motto still holds strong-
Work is temporary, but porn is practically unlimited.
(Now I appreciate this motto might not necessarily apply to all of us uniformly so feel free to add whatever your twisted brains come up with after the word ‘but’.)
However, we must remind ourselves that while it is natural to take comfort in the unchanging nature of some things, being merely grateful that we survived another year without offing ourselves, change is a necessary thing and we cannot stop it.
(After all, people and banks get all huffy and cranky if you write the date as 01/01/2010 so you can still pretend to be 23 if only for a single, sweet moment.)
Yes indeed, change is as inevitable.
(Speaking of the inevitable, I would just like to briefly remind everyone that discussions regarding Phase Two of our master-plan for world domination will be held shortly. Relevant documents will be sent across. Please ensure that you do not share these documents with ANYONE, especially the you-know-whos)
But the most surprising manifestation of change was how much we managed to shock, scare, creep-out, disgust or delight each other. Just when we thought we had seen it all and knew every perverted little secret, out popped another one, just like that.
(I mean seriously, in January 2011 who could have predicted that in just one short year I would never be able to look at a horse or a donkey in the eye again. Or a toaster either, come to think of it.)
A mere cursory glance at just how many new facets we have added to our lives already reveals things like –
Now that we are definitely older, our racial/ethnic/religious/cultural prejudices have finally become etched in stone and will stand by us for life. No more of that child-like ‘we are all one people’ nonsense.
We were told to grow up and now we can tell impressive lies, quoting several philosophers, to convince all concerned parties that some growing has occurred.
We learnt to accept greater responsibilities in the same unflinching, unapologetic manner with which said responsibilities are shoved up our backsides.
We have begun to take real risks and grabbed our just rewards.
( If your risks absolutely failed this year and/or led to bankruptcy and/or the police are looking for you to ‘help them with their investigation’ then please read the above statement as – We totally did stupid shit, but they can’t prove nuthin and they will never find me!)
In the end, we all did an impressive job of convincing the world that we are different people now and are more socially acceptable/marry-able material/promotion-worthy than what we were 365 days ago.
So congratulations to us all for such an amazing feat. We all know how hard it was but once again we have done it!
Now if some of us feel that, like the Red Queen, we all ran (well strolled anyway) as fast as we could and nothing is different because everything came with us just fast – do not fret.
Is it not said – as we change, so we change the world?
Happy New Year heathens!