Headlines I would like to see

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As I sat there bored and rifling through the newspapers that are kept in places like this for people like me, it occurred to me that how I imagined some of these stories should be was in fact, far better than how the stories actually read.

So here are three of my best. Please remember that these are all fictional and any resemblance to real people or events is purely accidental.

Indian PM said something, somewhere

The defacto ex-Prime Minister of India made a statement somewhere today, or so the media has been informed via email.

Despite appearances, some efforts were made to send journalists to the event, the media has assured the Ministry of Broadcasting.

Further details on what was exactly said will be updated once the Ministry of Broadcasting sends across a copy of the PM’s speech, his responses to a variety of questions and his general comments on the state of the nation.

‘Meh’, was the reaction of a passerby on the street some sub-editors encountered during a tea break.

The BJP offices, when contacted, admitted that it had not heard the speech, or even knew a speech was being made.

The official BJP spokesperson denounced the comments as insensitive, out of touch and an obvious vote-grabbing ploy by a lame-duck Government.

———————-

Fulfill your destiny: Amma tells Tamils

Amma today asked Tamils to fulfill their duty and usher in a new golden age by ensuring that a Tamil President would be placed in the White House in 2016.

Amma has asked her supporters to ensure that she wins all 40 seats allocated to Tamils in America.

Upon being informed that no such allocation or even Parliamentary first-past-post electoral system existed in America, Amma declared this an obvious sign of federal racism against Tamils.

She vowed to bring a reservation to correct the issue once she comes to power.

‘Umerika lu Amma’ posters have already appeared on Marina beach.

Supporters say they are certain of victory, stating that they have already entered talks with hoarding and billboard companies in America.

“As a Tamil Brahmin, she is only fulfilling her manifest destiny…” an party worker declared.

———————-

‘Please stop’, says Ministry of Broadcasting

The Ministry of Broadcasting has issued a new advisory for media coverage of the Prime Minister. The new notice was in response to a the backstreet response to an earlier notice that was issued a few months back, asking the media to respect the Prime Minister and not compare him to opposition leaders.

The advisory, which was sent across to hundreds of media agencies, has asked the media to just stop covering the Prime Minister altogether.

The statement argued that since the current coverage of the PM doing things and saying things was not helping anyone and even possibly lowering India’s image in front of the world, it would be preferable, in the nation’s interest, to simply stop reporting what he exactly does.

No official follow-up reaction to statement was emailed to the media.

“What’s the point? It’s hopeless…” an official said however, off the record.

Media editors across the nation have declared the statement a blatant attempt to stifle media freedom.

“It’s not like we cover him or anything, but it is the principle of it…” an editor said.

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